· Please tell your pants it's not polite to point.
· Never raise your hands to your kids; it leaves your groin unprotected.
· GUYS: No shirt, no service.
· GALS: No shirt, no charge.
· If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you
· If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now
· Practice safe sex, go fuck yourself.
· To all you virgins…thanks for nothing.
· It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.
· So many stupid people… so few comets.
· Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
· Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
· I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
· He who laughs last thinks slowest.
· It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
· Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
· The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
· Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
· Rehab is for quitters.
· Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.
· All men are idiots, and I married their King.
· Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
· When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is like the IRS.
· Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
· I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
· Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
· I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
· Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
· IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
· Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.
· We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
· Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
· Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
· Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
· Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder…
· There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
· Caution: I drive like you do.
· Heaven don't want me and Hell's afraid I'll take over!
· “Speed on, brother, Hell aint even half full!”
· Don't Drink and Drive… you might hit a bump and spill your drink
· Thank You For Pot Smoking.
· You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
· The Earth Is Full - Go Home
· I Have The Body Of A God… Buddha
· I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
· If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong…..
· Saw It… Wanted It… Had A Fit… Got It!
· Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch



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