David Beckham is staggering about, drunk as a lord with a key in his hand. “What's
going on'ere then?” Says a passing policeman. “They stole me bloody car!” shouts
Beckham. “Where did you last see it?” asks the copper. “On the end of this key!”
David Wails. The policeman looks him over and says, “Are you aware, sir, that your
penis is hanging out of your trousers?”, “Holy shit!” screams Beckham, “They got Posh
as well!”



What's the difference between Posh Spice and David Beckham?

Posh doesn't kick back when she's taken from behind.



Q: How many Man Utd fans does it take to change a lightbulb…?

Answer One… Seven, one to change it, five to moan about it and Ferguson to say if
the ref had done his job in the first place the light bulb would have never gone out!

Answer Two… 20million, half a million to work out how to change it and 19.5 million to
say they've been changing it for years…

A: Three. One to change the blub, one to buy the “1999 lightbulb changing”
commemorative t-shirt and video, and one to drive the other two back to Milton
Keynes

A: FourWho cares? As long as the light bulb is changed every 3 months, costs 50 quid
and comes in a different colour.



What's the difference between INXS and Man Utd?

Man Utd are still playing gigs.



Q What have Old Trafford at 4.45 pm on every other Saturday and Wormwood Scrubs
got in common?

A They are both full of cocknees trying to get out.



What have Barry Manilow and David Beckham got in common? They are both f**king
useless singers.



Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?

They had pictures of Manchester United Players on them … and people couldn't figure
out which side to spit on.



Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Manchester
United Fan in the road?

A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.



Q: What do you call 20 Manchester United Fans skydiving from anaeroplane?

A: Diahorrea.



Q: If you see a Manchester United Fan on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to
hit him?

A: It might be your bicycle.



Q: What do Manchester United Fans and sperm have in common?

A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.



Q: What do you have when 100 Manchester United Fans are buried up to their neck in
sand?

A: Not enough sand.



Q: What do Manchester United Fans use for birth control?

A: Their personalities.



Q: You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a Manchester United Fan.
You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?

A: Shoot the United Fan. Twice.



A man meets a friend and sees that his friend's car is a total write-off and covered
with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, “What's happened to
your car?” “Well,” the friend replies, “I ran over David Beckham”. “OK,” says the man,
“that explains the blood… But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and
the dirt?”

“Well, he tried to escape through the park.”



Alex Ferguson , after seeing Arsenal clean up last season , decides to come down to
London to see if he can pick up a few continental coaching tips. At Highbury , in the
JVC centre , he approaches Arsene Wenger. “Arsene” he say's , “how did you manage
that run of form into the close last season?” “that's easy” arsene replies “i keep all of
my players mentally fit as well as physically fit by asking them riddles , let me show
you” with that , he summons over Dennis Bergkamp. “Dennis” he asks “i am my fathers
son , but i am not my brother , who am I ?” “that's easy boss” Dennis replies “that's
me” “well done son , get back to work”… Arsene congratulates him. Alex Ferguson
returns back to scumland well impressed and decides to try the same thing on his own
players. The next morning , in training , he calls over David Beckham. “David , I want
to test out a new continental coaching technique on you by asking you a simple
riddle” he say's “OK boss” the twat replies. “I am my fathers son , but i am not my
brother, who am I ?” Fergie asks. Beckham looks totally bemused , scratching his
head. Fergie say's “don't worry son , go away and sleep on it , and i'll ask you again in
the morning” That afternoon , Beckham see's Jaap Staam in the showers and decides
to ask his advice, seeing as he's had experience on the continent. “Jaap” he say's
“the boss has asked me this tricky question, and I'm fucked if i know the answer can
you help?” “if i can” he replies. “Right , here goes” say's Beckham “I am my fathers son
, but I am not my brother , who am I?” “that's easy” say's the Dutchman “that's me”
The next morning, Beckham walks into Fergie's office with a broad smile on his face.
“Listen boss , i know the answer to the question you asked me” he beams. “OK” say's
Fergie, I'll ask you again , “I am my fathers son , but i am not my brother , who am I
?” “that's easy boss , I'm Jaap Staam !!” say's Beckham. To which Fergie replies

“No you're not you stupid c**t , you're Dennis Bergkamp !!”…



Walking with his wife along by the Thames, Manchester United fan, Cockney Jim
noticed a bottle floating near the jellied eel stall. He knelt down on the grass, reached
in, fished out the bottle. Cockney Jim's inquisitive wife knocked the bottle over with
one of her hooves and dislodged the cork thus releasing an imprisoned spirit which
floated joyously back and forth across the cut and the following conversation ensued:
Genie: I am the genie and I am so pleased to be released from my bottle prison by
your ugly wife that I am going to grant you one wish. Now what do you want..

? CJ: Luv'a'duck, me old sparra, me wife is such a beauty, I'd love to see her win Miss
World…

Genie: F*****g Hell, mate, I'm not bleeding Jesus, look at ‘er, she’s only got one leg,
scars on her head and she is a right ugly old tramp… You had better think of
something else, mate.

.. CJ: Fair enough, she is an ugly bitch, I've supported the Manks ever since they
started winning stuff in 1994 and I'd be over the moon if you could get ‘em back
where they belong, on top of the League, and make us Champions again…

Genie: Give us another look at your wife..



A young woman pushing her baby in a pram across Oxford Street was suddenly
terrified to see a huge Rottweiler lunging towards them snarling and gnashing its huge
teeth together. She thought herself and her baby were done for, when suddenly a
chap rushed over, wrestled the Rottweiler to the ground and broke its neck with his
bare hands! The woman almost fainted with relief and gratitude. Another chap rushed
to the scene and said to the rescuer “I’m a reporter, I saw what happened, it's
amazing, I must put it in the paper.

Wait ‘til you read the headline - ”Arsenal fan saves mother and baby from savage
Rottweiler!“… ”No, you can’t write that“ said our hero. ”Why not?“ asked the reporter
”Because I'm not an Arsenal fan.“

”Oh, OK then, what about Chelsea fan saves mother and baby from savage
Rottweiler!“… ”No, you can't write that either“ said the chap.

”Why not?“ asked the reporter ”Because I'm not a Chelsea fan either“… ”Who do you
support then?“ asked the reporter

”Manchester United“… ”Uh, right, I see. How about this then - Mank “ Bastard kills
lovable family pet”…



Q: Why do so many housewives love Man Utd?

A: ‘cos they stay on top for ages & then come second…



Q. What’s the difference between Schmeichel and Pamela Anderson?

A: Pamela's only got two tits in front of her…



A bloke joins a very exclusive golf club and on his first day he's asked if he wants a
caddy for his first round… As he's not used to all this high class swanky time and
feels like he deserves it after all the money it's cost him, he says yes. The owner of
the club overhears and comes over and says “We are trying out a robotic caddy
prototype and wondered if you like to give it a try… ?”. The man thinks about if for a
while and agrees to give it a go… The caddy is wheeled out and it is a two-foot high
silver robot, so off the man goes and finds this robot to be the best caddy ever,
giving him perfect club selection, even giving him tips on his swing and the bloke has
the best round of his life… Before much longer the course is awash with shiny silver
robots, everyone playing beautiful golf. The only thing is the robots are too shiny and
the owner gets a lot of complaints that when it's sunny the bright glare is a bit
much… The owner being a filthy Mank scumbag, decides he'll try putting Man United
shirts on to stop this problem, and again it seems to work and everyone's happy…
The bloke returns to the course a couple of weeks later and asks for a robot caddy
but the owner says “We had to pull the plug on that idea, I'm afraid, Sir, It wasn't
working out…” the man asks why and the owner says… “It all started after we put
the Man United shirts on'em things started going missing and they were turning up for
work late…!”