Two Tourists
Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are… very slowly? The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing.”




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The Big Shot
Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened his new law office.

The first day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking.

“No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details. ”

This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. “I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?”

The man replied, “I'm from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone.”




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Guessi ng Game
A shepherd was herding his flocks in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new Jeep Cherokee advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie leaned out of the window and asked our shepherd: “If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?”

The shepherd looks at the yuppie, then at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers “sure!” The yuppie parks the car, whips out his notebook, connects it to a cell-phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system, scans the area, opens up a database and some 60 Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas. Finally he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer, turns round to our shepherd and says: “you have here exactly 1586 sheep!”

“This is correct. As agreed, you can take one of the sheep” says the shepherd. He watches the young man make a selection and bundle it in his Cherokee.

Then he says: “If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me my sheep back?”

“Okay, why not” answers the young man. “You are a consultant” says the shepherd.

“This is correct” says the yuppie, “How did you guess that?”

“Easy” answers the shepherd. “You turn up here although nobody called you. You want to be paid for the answer to a question I already knew the solution to. And you don't know @$#% about my business because you took my dog.”




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Commonal ities
What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?
Their middle name.




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Managerium
The heaviest element known to science is Managerium.

This element has no protons or electrons, but has a nucleus composed of 1 neutron, 2 vice-neutrons, 5 junior vice-neutrons, 25 assistant vice-neutrons, and 125 junior assistant vice-neutrons all going round in circles.

Managerium has a half-life of three years, at which time it does not decay but institutes a series of reviews leading to reorganization. Its molecules are held together by means of the exchange of tiny particles known as morons.




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How He Did It
A father brought his son into the doctor because the boy had a matchbox car shoved up his nose. All the while the doctor was trying to remove the car, the father kept saying “I don't know how he did it!” Finally the doctor removed the car, and the father and son left.

A few hours later, the father came back with the matchbox shoved up HIS nose. He told the doctor, “I know how he did it!”




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Hit ‘n Rooster
A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car and up floated a cloud of feathers.

Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared. The man, somewhat nervously said, “I think I killed your rooster. Please allow me to replace him.”

“Suit yourself,” the farmer replied, “you can go join the other chickens that are around the back.”




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Problems of a Healthy Diet
An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. “Here is your ocean-side condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area.”

“Heck, Gloria,” the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, “we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn’t heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!”




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Quick Thinking
A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, “Are they relatives of yours?”

“Yes,” his wife replied. “I married into the family.”




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In Need of Professional Help
A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.

The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, “Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers.”




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Key to a Happy Life
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. “I couldn't help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What's your secret for a long happy life?”

“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.”

“That's amazing,” the woman said. “How old are you?'

”Twenty-six,“ he said.




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Working with Buddy
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, ”Pull, Nellie, pull!“ Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, ”Pull, Buster, pull!“ Buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, ”Pull, Coco, pull!“ Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, ”Pull, Buddy, pull!“ And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

”Well… Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!“




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Eye of Gratitude
In the prime of her career, a world famous painter started to lose her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.

After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall.

When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art – the doctor's office.

During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, ”What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?“

The eye doctor responded, ”I said to myself, ‘Thank God I’m not a gynecologist.'




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Safety Seal
When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for. Then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter.

“What are you doing?” his mom asked.

“The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken,” the boy explained. “I'm looking for the seal.”




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Cosmetic Surgery Risk
A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked, “Is this it?” God said, “No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live.”

Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it.

She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front of God and said, “I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?”

God replied, “Shirley! I didn't recognize you!”




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Getting a Day Off
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. “Boss,” he says, “we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.”

“We're short-handed, Smith,” the boss replies. “I can't give you the day off.”

“Thanks, boss,” says Smith, “I knew I could count on you!”