The World Wide Web
Hér eru allskonar vitleysingar sem vita bókstaflega ekkert um netið:

I used to do tech support for a company that made computer accessories and video game accessories. We had a pay-for-access web site for one of our products. The site was full of special codes and cheats. One day, a customer called, asking how to access the site.


Tech Support: "Well, just go to .“
Customer: ”How do I do that?“
Tech Support: ”Type it in in your web browser.“
Customer: ”Huh?“
Tech Support: ”Ok…sir…do you have Internet access?“
Customer: ”Huh? No. No Internet. I don't even have a computer.“
Tech Support: ”Ok, sir, you need a computer and an Internet account to access web sites.“
Customer: ”Oh. Well, it didn't say that when I mailed in the membership card. I want my money back.“
——————–

Customer: ”Whenever I try to go to your sports site, I end up at this other page. I even typed the correct address in the bar to make sure that I got there.“
Tech Support: ”What browser are you using? We need to check to see if your browser is new enough to view our sites.“
Customer: ”Well…I must be using the newest browser. I'm using Yahoo. I think they'd update their browser! Hold on. Let me check Alta Vista really quick.“
————————-

On day my English teacher was trying to teach the class how to do research on the Internet.


Teacher: ”What browser do you use to get on the Internet?“
Student: ”Internet Explorer.“
Teacher: ”No, no…the browser that you use to get around the Internet. Which do you use?“
Student: ”Microsoft Internet Explorer.“
Teacher: ”You connect with Internet Explorer, but what is your browser? You know, Yahoo, Webcrawler…?“
And for the rest of the semester he insisted that a search engine was the same thing as a browser. And every time he said it, I dug my fingers in the desk to keep from screaming at him.
—————————-

In my job on the helpdesk of an ISP I get a lot of callers who are ignorant and proud of it. I think they have decided that since they weren't born with computer knowledge, it's too late to learn anything now.

Yesterday's customer was having problems with his email. I have given up asking, ”What is your email client?“ because I just get questioning grunts.


Tech Support: ”What icon do you click on when you want to read your email?“
Customer: ”No. I just use inbox.“
Through a leap of sheer intuition, I decided he was using the mail program on his browser. Now I needed to know which browser.


Tech Support: ”What do you see on the page?“
Customer: ”Well, your company's web page is on here.“
Tech Support: ”What's in the top right hand corner of your screen?“
Customer: ”An X.“
Tech Support: ”What's under the X?“
Customer: ”An N.“
Tech Support: ”Ok, so you're using Netscape mail.“
Customer: ”No, Alta Vista. I go to your home page, then I click on the links page, and then I click on Alta Vista. Then I go down to the inbox. It's right next to the wheel thingy on the bottom.“
I searched the site. I can't find any wheel thingy. I got him to describe exactly where this wheel is. Yes, it was on the bar on the bottom border of Netscape. He was using Netscape mail. I did tell him he didn't have to go to Alta Vista to use Netscape mail. The frightening thing was that he had been using the Internet for years.
———————-

I'm a librarian/network administrator for a large community college. We have 36 workstations in our library, ostensibly for research purposes, and we use Internet filtering software, due to some students viewing pornography in the library. Part of my job is to check Internet histories for attempted accesses to sites of this kind. One recent night I was doing this and discovered that a student had typed in – THIRTEEN TIMES – ”www i want to buy a cd dot com.“
————————

Sent to our tech support email address:


PLEASE GIVE ME HELP ON HOW TO DELETE HTTP://MULTIMEDIA.COM
————————

Ther e was an URL floating around a while ago that pointed to a site that had a card trick on it. I sent the URL to my mom.

The web page asked you to choose a card out of a set of cards and then to click on a link. That link took you to a page with a new set of cards. The page stated that the card you picked was now missing from the set, because the site had read your mind and knew which card to remove. The way the trick worked was that none of the cards in the first set were in the second set – the second set contained similar cards to the first set, but none of the same ones. Many people first think that the web page somehow determined what card they had chosen even though they had done nothing on the computer to indicate any particular card.

A while after sending the link to my mom, I sent her an explanation for how the trick worked. She sent back email saying that she and her husband were rolling on the floor with laughter because they had spent the last half hour trying to fool the computer using various methods. One of them was this: her husband would go into another room in the house. Then my mom would call him on his cell phone using hers and tell him all the cards. Then he'd tell her that he'd chosen one – but not tell her which one – and then she would click on the link. They were frustrated and befuddled that the computer still ”knew“ which card to remove even though they had gone to great lengths to separate the person that chose the card from the computer.
——————————

A customer emailed the following to his ISP:

hello, I have just published my first web page. What is my address? Never mind, found it, thank you.”
————————–

Two students, who had spent the better part of their class hour bragging about their computer skills, were becoming increasingly frustrated while browsing the Internet. They were trying to access a site that didn't exist, but they were absolutely convinced the trouble was something else.


Student #1: “The damn keyboard locked up again!!!”
Actually, a page was loading.


Student #2: “Here, you have to pull the wires out.” (yanks network wires out of the back) “When that happens, just pull those wires out and shove ‘em back in. Does it work now?”
Student #1: “No, it says, ’Reading File…Done.'”
Student #2: “Oh, ok…that means your keyboard server is down. There's nothing you can do about it.”
———————–

Student: “I can't find the place to type in the URT.”
Teacher: “The what?”
Student: “You know the URT – the thing that starts with ‘www’?”
Teacher: “Oh, URL.”
Student: “Whatever. Where do I type it?”
Teacher: “On the blank line at the top.”
Student: “Where?”
Teacher: “At the top!”
Student: “I see no line.”
Teacher: “Is Netscape open?”
Student: “Does it have to be?”
————————

Our school requires all students to take a computer class. My class has to have some of the stupidest people I've ever met.


Teacher: “Does anyone know what HTML means?”
Student: “That means something?!”
Me: “Hypertext Markup Language.”
Teacher: “Correct, have any of you ever used HTML?”
I'm the only one who raises a hand.


Teacher: “Great! We'll be doing some simple HTML by the end of the year.”
Me: (bangs head on desk)
Student: “How do you use HTML? Is it like typing?”
————————-

I recently visited the site of a company which shall remain unnamed and was frustrated by the extremely slow screen refresh as I scrolled through the page. I investigated and discovered that instead of declaring a plain green background color for the page, they had created a one pixel GIF image which was ‘tiled’ as a background.

(Katta: HAHAHAHAHA!!!)
——————–

A friend of mine just bought a new computer and asked me to show him how to download programs off the web. The poor guy is completely clueless with anything computer related. I showed him a couple of the more popular sites and started a download. While waiting, I made the comment about how slow telephone access can be. He sat there staring at the paper sheet icon move between the world and folder icons for a few moments, and then said: “Well if you move the folder closer to the Earth, then the program won't have so far to travel, and it'll download faster.” I nearly fell out of my chair laughing.
***************************************************** ******************************************************* ************************

Hérna er annað:
Email Magic
—————
Tech Support through email:

Customer: “I CAN'T READ OR RECEIVE EMAIL! HELP!”
We're only allowed to reply through email, so I almost deleted it. But I reconsidered.
Tech Support: “Yes you can.”
————————-

I actually had this emailed to me once:


Help! I can't find your email address. What is it?
—————————

My friend called me up one night and asked me to help him with a problem he was having sending email.


Friend: “I can't send any email to you.”
Me: “So what's the problem? Are you getting any error messages?”
Friend: “No, but everytime I try to go to your email it asks me for your password, and you never gave it to me!”
It turned out he was trying to get into my Hotmail account to send me an email.
—————————-

Customer: “I get this error when I check my mail. It says, ‘There are no new messages.’”
——————————

A few years back I was working at the helpdesk for an Internet provider where people could get a cheap email account.


Customer: “Hi, I want to change my email address.”
Tech Support: “Of course, sir, may I ask why?”
Customer: “I think it's too long.”
Tech Support: “Can you tell me what your email address is now?”
Customer: "firstnamelastnamestreetadresszipcodeandphonenumber@.nl.“
——————————-

Customer: ”I tried sending email to 1.404.123.4567 but the emailer wouldn't let me.“
Tech Support: ”Um, that's a telephone number.“
—————————

Tech Support: ”How may I help you?“
Customer: ”I'm writing my first email.“
Tech Support: ”Ok, what seems to be the problem?“
Customer: ”Well I can get the ‘a’. But how do I put the circle around it?“
————————

Someone once called me and asked me why she just received a satanic mail from us. I was a bit confused at first, and it took a few minutes to realize that she had received a message with the subject, ”Message from MAILER-DAEMON.“
———————-

Email sent to a mailing list server:


I have tried to unsubscribe, but a message appears saying that my user's name is incorrect. I have been using the same name for 77 years and should know whether it is correct or not.
———————-

My boss decided he had to have a computer. Bad idea.


Boss: ”It's ON! I have CLOUDS! Come show me how to work this web thing!“
So I teach him how to send email. To send to me, he has to type all of five letters, plus the ”@aol.com“ part.


Boss: ”Do I have to type ALL of this WHOLE thing every time? Can't you fix it so it knows I want you?“
After I put myself into his address book:


Boss: ”Do I have to do ALL this clicking, clicking, clicking every SINGLE time? Just fix it so it knows I want you.“
—————————-

Customer: ”I can't get my email.“
Tech Support: ”Ok. Can you surf the web?“
Customer: ”What?“
Tech Support: ”I just want to know if you can visit any web sites. That will tell me if you're connected.“
Customer: ”What are web sites? I just use this to download my email.“
This guy was paying $40 per month for high-speed cable Internet access, and all he could do was send email.


Tech Support: ”No problem. I can show you that later. Right now I need you to start your email program.“
Customer: ”Aren't you listening? It's already started. I just can't get any email.“
Tech Support: ”Can you click the send and receive button for me?“
Customer: ”I did that and nothing happens! I told you that!“
Tech Support: ”All right, sir. We'll just take a look at your preferences.“
Ten minutes later I finally finished walking him through his account settings in Outlook Express.


Customer: ”You screwed something up! Now it keeps giving me an error message!“
Tech Support: ”Ok, what does the message say?“
Customer: ”It says YOU entered an invalid email address.“
Tech Support: ”Let's go back to the ‘General’ tab and double-check your address.“
Customer: ”It says xxxx-at-home-period thingee-com.“
Tech Support: ”Can you read it to me letter by letter?“
Customer: (growling) ”It says x-x-x-x-a-t-h-o-m-e–“
Tech Support: ”Ok, let's stop right there. I want you to type ‘xxxx,’ then the ‘@’ symbol, not the word ‘at’.“
Customer: ”What the hell are you talking about?“
Tech Support: ”Have you got the ‘xxxx’ part done?“
Customer: ”Yes.“
Tech Support: ”Then I want you to hold the shift key and hit the number ‘2’ key.“
Customer: ”At the same time? Are you trying to break it?“
Tech Support: ”Trust me, sir, this will work.“
After we finished with that, he got even more upset because he didn't have any email to receive.
—————————–

Customer: ”I can't get my email!“
Tech Support: ”What's the exact problem you're having?“
Customer: ”I called in earlier and I was told to go to Eudora to check for mail, but there's no Eudora channel.“
Tech Support: ”Where are you looking for Eudora?“
Customer: ”I'm in mIRC of course.“
—————————

Doing phone support for a software company, we had a customer that needed an update to our program. We told her that we had placed it in her mailbox, and it was there waiting on her to pick it up (our customers had ”mailboxes“ on our dial up server). She told us it wasn't there, so we asked her to check again just to be sure. She said ok, put the phone down, and was gone for about five minutes. Finally she came back and said, ”It's still not there. I knew it wouldn't because our postman only comes around 11:00am.“ She had walked outside and checked her street mailbox.
——————————

The company I work for recently sent out (completely voluntary) customer information cards, asking for the customer's name, home address, and email address. On more than one card, the email address field was filled in with the word ”same“ and an arrow pointing to the home address field.
—————————-

I run a mailing list. Like most others, it's set up so if you send email to the list with ”unsubscribe“ in the message, you'll be unsubscribed from the mailing list automatically.

I should tell you how many times I've seen ”unsubscribe“ spelled. People get so mad at me because ”it doesn't work right“ when they fail to realize that they've misspelled ”unsubscribe.“ This is a quote from one such person, who wasn't even consistent:

”Hi. I try unbuscribe but it not let me unsubbscibe. Please unsubscibe me NOW!“
————————-

Cut directly from our support log:


> jim, when i send e-mail! do i use ink, like if i was writing? i
> had to put in new ink in
> my printer, so i was wondering if e-mail use'es ink.
> thank you
———————–

A client brought his PC into the office. ”Eudora just doesn't work!“ he complains. The tech opened Eudora. Five minutes later it opened. He had about 200 letters minimized.


Customer: ”Whaddaya mean, ‘I need to close them’? Aren't they closed?“
———————–

Customer: ”I've been away a few days and it seems my mail has built up to the point where I can't get it anymore.“
Small wonder. It turned out, the user had 30,000 messages in his email box.
———————–

This morning someone came barging into my office, panic stricken, and frantic. ”All my mail I saved in one of my folders is gone!!!“ she said. I asked her which folder she had saved it to. ”Deleted Items,“ she said.
———————

Someone here at work, who just couldn't grasp the big picture of computers and computer networks, had something go wrong with his workstation and, for the day, had to use a different one in another lab. When he read new email from the second workstation, he replied, ”How did you know what machine to send it to?“
———————-

Customer: ”Yes, I just got this disk in the mail for ten hours. Does it give me email?
Tech Support: “Yes, ma'am, it does.”
Customer: “Well, can I have my answering machine hooked up so that I can just check my email from my answering machine?”
Tech Support: “Well, no, ma'am, it does not work that way.”
Customer: “Now, you listen, young man, there is no reason for you to get smart with me!”
Tech Support: “No, ma'am, I understand. I was just trying to explain to you how it works.”
Customer: “Well, young man, you have to understand in my day this stuff did not even exist.”
—————————

I once had a customer call me up wanting to send something via email. She said no matter what she did it wouldn't go through. After much debating over the settings, I finally asked her what she was trying to send. It turned out she was trying to email a box to her daughter for her birthday. I still haven't quite figured out how she thought that would work.
—————————

My Supervisor: “I have email now.”
Me: “Great. What's the address?”
My Supervisor: “'dmusket506'.”
Me: (writing it down) “Ok, what's the rest?”
My Supervisor: “That's it.”
————————

Customer: “I can't seem to send any email.”
Tech Support: “What are you doing to send it?”
Customer: “I write it down on a piece of paper, slide it into the slot on the front of my computer, and click on ‘send mail’.”
———————-

Customer: “I can't send an email. Is the Internet full?”
———————-

Customer: “Uh, I'm trying to send email to my daughter and she's not receiving it.”
Tech Support: “Ok, sir, what is her email address?”
Customer: “I don't know. She doesn't even have a computer. Can't I send it to her post office?”
————————–

I used to work for a multimillion dollar consulting firm doing desktop support. The gentleman who was in charge of several large government contracts decided he needed to send a letter via email and wanted to know how to do so. Easy enough I suppose, until he happily handed me his letter on a sheet of paper crumpled up into a ball. “That is the letter I want to send,” he said. “Can't you stuff it into the floppy drive and send it?” I tried to contain my laughter and explained to him how email worked. Of course, after I left I went outside and cried tears of uncontrollable laughter.
————————-

My boss never could get the hang of email. He only used email for one thing: sending weekly messages to his daughter, an English instructor in Saipan. We will call her Mary Smith, but that was not her name. Her address was simple enough, but every week he would call me over to the computer with another problem.


Boss: “It's gone! The email I just spent an hour typing is gone!”
Me: “What happened?”
Boss: “I clicked ‘Send,’ and it just disappeared!”
Me: “It's in your outbox, because you told the computer to ‘Send’ it.”
Boss: “Oh.”
This happened almost every week. Either that or:


Boss: “It won't let me send this message.”
Me: “You need to type her exact email address, not just ‘Mary Smith’ in the To: field.”
Boss: “Well, how many Mary Smiths could there be in Saipan?”
Or:


Boss: “I send email every week, they ought to know who it goes to by now!”
Or:


Boss: “I thought computers were supposed to be smart!”
He would always send his emails on Tuesday so they would get to his daughter by Saturday. (Þetta er bara góður pabbi ;) )
———————————-

I subscribe to a listserver that covers an automotive topic. Last year one of the list members went on vacation and set up his email server to autoreply to any email with a message that he was out of town. Unfortunately, he didn't unsubscribe from the list before he left.

You can guess the result. Everytime anyone sent a message to the list, this guy's automated reply went out on it too. The listserver fell down and went “splat” a couple of times before things got sorted out.
—————————

Hingað og ekki lengra….í bili ;)