#1
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes.

He goes up to the guy's window and says, “Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.”

The man says, “Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack.”

“Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.”

“I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death.”

“Well, then, we need a urine sample.”

“I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar.”

“All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.”

“I can't do that, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I'm drunk.”


#2
There was a man sitting at a bar, and he looks over at the gentleman sitting next to him and says, “Hey, you look familiar. Are you from around here?” The man answers, “Yeah, I live down the street.”

“No kidding?” says the first man, “Well, so do I. And hey, you look about my age. Where did you go to high school?”

“Oh I went to Francis Lewis over on Utopia. Graduated in ‘66. How ’bout you?”

“Get out. I went to Francis Lewis. And I graduated in ‘66, too.” “Where’d you go to college?”

“Beloit, in Wisconsin.”

“No way! I went to Beloit too. What dorm?”

“Kevin Sullivan dorm.”

“Sullivan? You're not going to believe this . . .”

Joe the bartender walks over, and the first guy says, “Joe, you won't believe it in a million years. This guy went to the same high school as me, graduated the same year I did, and went to the same college. We were even in the same dorm. Isn't that amazing?”

Joe looks at them both and says, “Yeah, that's just plain amazing.” A third man comes in and says, “Hey Joe. What's new?” Joe says, “Not much. The Johnson twins are drunk again

#3
ljóska fer á samkomu geðlækna og spyr einn þeirra ”hvernig veistu hvort að manneskja er heilbrigð eða ekki?“
-maður bara spyr eðlilegra spurninga
-eins og…, spyr ljóskan
-Captein Cook fór 3x í ferð kringum jörðina endó í einhverri þeirra í hverri?
-ljóskan byrjar að hlæja undankomulega/vandræðalega og segir ”gætiru nokkuð komið með aðra ég er ekkert sérstök í sögu"

nokkrar leiðir til að sleppa við vinnu!!!


If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet…

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

My stigmata's acting up.

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

I prefer to remain an enigma.

My step other has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

I've used up all my sick days…so I'm calling in dead!



smá til að hugsa um


If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of precisely 100 people, with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, it would look something like the following:

There would be:
57 Asians
21 Europeans
14 from the Western Hemisphere, both north and south
8 Africans
52 would be female
48 would be male
70 would be nonwhite
30 would be white
70 would be non-Christian
30 would be Christian
89 would be heterosexual
11 would be homosexual

6 people would possess 59% of the entire world's wealth, and all 6 would be from the United States.

80 would live in substandard housing
70 would be unable to read
50 would suffer from malnutrition
1 would be near death; 1 would be near birth
1 (yes, only 1) would have a college education
1 would own a computer

When one considers our world from such a compressed perspective, the need for acceptance, understanding and education becomes glaringly apparent.

The following is also something to ponder…

If you woke up this morning with more health than illness… you are more blessed than the million who will not survive this week.

If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation … you are ahead of 500 million people in the world.

If you can attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or death…you are more blessed than three billion people in the world.

If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep…you are richer than 75% of this world.

If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace… you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.

If your parents are still alive and still married… you are very rare, even in the United States and Canada.

If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in that someone was thinking of you, and furthermore, you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world that cannot read at all.