A young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to an old woman and says arrogantly, “Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!”
Another young, beautiful woman gets onto the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, “Chanel No. 5, $150 dollars an ounce!”

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both of the women in the eyes, turns around, bends over, farts and says, “Broccoli, 49 cents a pound!”


gamall
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A Welshman an Englishman and a Irishman were being chased by Farmer Giles with a shotgun. After 10 minutes of running they spotted a barn and ran inside.
Once inside they each hid in a old sack against the barn wall. The farmer went into the barn but did not see where they went, he was about to turn back when he saw three suspicious looking sacks. He walked forward and prodded the first sack with his gun. The Englishman inside said…''Meow''.

“Just cats,” he thought.

He then prodded the second sack. The Welshman, hearing how the Englishman got off said….''woof''.

“Just dogs,” he thought.

As he walked towards the last sack, the Irishman worked out what he was going to say. As soon as the farmer prodded his sack he said…..''potatoes!''

líka gamall
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Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, “Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane.”
And every year Martha would say, “I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”

One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, “Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance.”

Martha replied, “Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”

The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars.”

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't.”

Stumpy replied, “Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.”

…nýr held ég

—————————————————– ————-
þú gætir verið háður kaffi ef þú gerir eitthvað af þessu

you grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
you sleep with your eyes open.
you have to watch videos in fast-foward.
the only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
you can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without the timer.
you've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
you chew on other people's fingernails.
the nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
you can type sixty words a minute with your feet.
you can jump-start your car without cables.
you don't sweat, you percolate.
you walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
you forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
you've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
instant coffee takes too long.
you channel surf faster without a remote.
you have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
you short out motion detectors.
you don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
you help your dog chase its tail.
you soak your dentures in coffee.
your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee and an IV hook-up.
you get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
you answer the door before people knock.

fjúff ég hélt ég væri í vandræðum þarna
———————————————— ——————

Three men are at a bar, and two of the men are talking about the control they have over their wives, while the third remains silent.
After a while, the first two men turn to the third and ask, “What about you? What kind of control do you have over your wife?”

The third man turns to the first two and says, “Well, I'll tell you, just the other day I had her on her knees.”

The first two men were dumbfounded.

“Wow! What happened next?” they asked.

The third man takes a healthy swig of his beer, sighs and mutters, “Then she started screaming, ‘Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!’”

annar gamall arg

———————————————— ——————

Doggie No Legs
Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: It doesn't matter, he's not going to come anyway.

.j…á… einmitt!!!!

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You might be a redneck if you've ever hit a deer with your car, deliberately!

true, true

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What do you call a cow with a twitch?
Beef Jerky!

aftur er skilningur minn á þrotum , (þessi með hundinn)

——————————————- ———————–

What went through the fly''s mind as he hit the windshield?
His Butt!

okey þennann skil ég

————————————————- —————–

nokkrir 0.5 aura

Forstjórinn: -jæja og gerðist svo eitthvað meðan ég var í burt
Ritarinn: -nei ekkert nema að það var verið að mála vagginn sem þú hallar þér upp að


Lalli lati haði heyrt auglýsingu um ryksugu sem var so góð að hún ynni 50% af vinnunni
hann keypti tvær

Þjónn hvað er þessi fluga að gera í grautnum mínum?
-mér sýnist hún vera að reyna að komast uppúr


Hvað er líkt með flugvél og nærbuxum?
-í neyð fara þær báðar niður


hvað kom fyrir hafnfyrðinginn sem læsti lyklana inni í bílnum?
-hann eyddi öllum deginum í það að koma út fjölskyldunni


Helga en hvað þú lyktar vel er þetta nýtt ilmvatn?
-nei ég skipti um sokka

Má bjóða þér gulan eða brúnan ost?
-skiptir ekki máli ég er litblindur


Tvær kýr stóðu úti á túni
-afhverju skelfur þú sona?
-ég á afmæli á morgun og er að búa til þeyttann rjóma

búrúmmp búmp ttjjjjjjiiiiiiiiiii