Executive Decision
A hardworking female executive dies and meets St. Peter at the pearly gates and he says, “You've shown an outstanding aptitude for making business decisions. Choose whether you will go to heaven or to hell.”
“I don't know!” she flounders.

“Tell you what,” St. Peter says, “You can have 24 hours in heaven and 24 hours in hell. Then you have to decide where to spend eternity.”

“Okay then,” she says. “I'll start with heaven since I'm here already.”

She goes in the pearly gates and makes some acquaintances. They have a nice walk among beautiful gardens. They have a nice quiet lunch. They have a nice stroll along a pristine, white, sandy beach looking out on brilliant blue ocean. At the end of the day she is shown to a nice room, and has a quiet meal on the balcony, looking out over the setting sun and the ocean. She marvels at the scenic beauty of heaven.

The next morning, St. Peter takes her to the fiery gates of hell and hands her off to Satan.

Satan takes her to a power breakfast given in her honor. Then she is escorted to a tennis club where she is greeted by her old boss, some co-workers, and previous business acquaintances. She plays a few sets of tennis and catches up on the gossip. At lunchtime her old boss takes her to a gourmet restaurant and she has an excellent meal with vintage wine.

After lunch he takes her to an exclusive golf course and they play 18 holes of golf. She runs into other business acquaintances and catches up on news and gossip.

After golf, he drops her at a spa where she is pampered and spoiled by beauty and body treatments. When she is finished at the spa, an acquaintance takes her shopping at designer stores. She picks out a fabulous evening gown, and Satan himself takes her to a huge party with drinking, dancing, gourmet food, and famous people.

At the end of the evening, a stretch limo drops her off at a five-star hotel. As she soaks in the Jacuzzi tub, and sips the complimentary champagne, she ponders eternity.

The next morning, she meets St. Peter at the pearly gates.

“Well, have you made your decision?” He asks.

“I've decided on hell,” she announces.

“So be it.” St Peter waves goodbye and she reappears before the fiery gates of hell.

Once inside she is teamed up with her old boss again, only this time everyone is wearing rags. They are filthy, diseased, malnourished, and living in a barren desert. They have to scrounge for food, water, clothing, even shade.

“What happened!?!” She exclaimed.

“Well,” said her boss, “Yesterday you were a recruit. Today you are staff.”

————————————————— ————–

Yo' mama's so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again.

————————————————— ————–


What is a fly without any wings?

A walk.
———————

Three railroad workers, a Chinese man, an Italian, and a redneck, are all sitting down to lunch.
The Chinese man says, “If I get another egg roll in my lunch, I'll kill myself.”

The Italian guy says, “If I get another slice of pizza, I'll kill myself.”

The redneck says, “Iffin I get another ham hock, I'll kill myself.”

The next day, all three men get the same lunches, so they throw themselves in front of an oncoming train. At the funeral the Chinese man's wife says, “If only I hadn't packed an egg roll that day.”

The Italian guy's wife says, “If only I hadn't packed a slice of pizza that day.”

“Don't look at me,” says the redneck's wife. “He done packed his own vittles.”


————————————————- —————–

Q: What is the definition “lucky break”?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.


Q: What is the definition of a “crying shame”?
A: There was an empty seat.


————————————————