What did the horse say when he fell?

“I''ve fallen and I can''t giddy up!”
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Don't Make Me Bible Belt You
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.
“I'll make a deal with you,” said his father. “You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and then we'll talk.”

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

“Son, I'm real proud of you. You've brought your grades up and you've studied your Bible, but you didn't get hair cut!”

“You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.”

“Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!”


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Drunken Confession
Two drunks are at a bar, drinking up a storm.

One drunk says to the other drunk, “Did you sleep with my wife last night?”

To which the other drunk replies, “Not a wink.”


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Yo mama's…Ugly
Yo Mama is so ugly, she has to get a baby drunk to breastfeed it.

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What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?
Roberto.

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Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

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Whats the difference between deernuts and beernuts?
Beernuts are a $1.39 and deernuts are under a buck.

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What's the last thing a redneck says before he dies?

Hey! Watch this…

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A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, “Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new…” He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.
He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, “Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new…” He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.

He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, “Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again…”

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Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To put out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To put out burning ducks.