Breaking up would be a lot easier.
A smack to the ass and a
“Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time”
would pretty much do it.

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

Valentine's Day would be moved to February
29th so it would only occur in leap years.

Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to
a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden
Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view
event in world history.

The only show opposite “Monday Night Football”
would be
“Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle”.

Instead of “beer-belly”, you'd get “beer-biceps”.

People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car,
as long as you returned it the following day with
a full tank of gas.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you
during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the
corner of the screen during a time-out.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed
as an acceptable response to “I love you”.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

“Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night”,
would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches
for violating the “public ugliness” ordinance.

Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards.