HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:

Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her….

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked.
…. with Beer


What is the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.


Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.


How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Let the bitch do the ironing in the dark.


Why do women have more trouble with hemorrhoids than men?
Because God made man the perfect asshole.


What do men and microwaves have in common?
They're both done in 30 seconds.


How can you tell if a man is well hung?
If you can't get your finger between the rope and his neck!!!!


What did the elephant say to the naked man?
It's kinda cute, but can it pick up peanuts?


True facts about men!
1. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming too high.
2. Woman don't make fools of men – most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason:you're sick of him.
4. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.
5. A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.
6. If you want a nice man go for a bald one – they try harder.
7. Go for younger men. You might as well – they never mature anyway.
8. A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.
9. Men are all the same – they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
10. Definition of a man with manners – he gets out of the bath to pee.
11. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is
married 12. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men – a woman.
13. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -strong, caring, loving – they'd be wrong but you could still use them.
14. Men are like animals – messy, insensitive and potentially violent – but they make great pets.
15. Men's brains are like the prison system – not enough cells per man.
16. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - “don't” and “stop”..
17. Husbands are like children – they're fine if they're someone else's.


Why are all dumb Blond jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.


What is the difference between government bonds and men?
Government bonds mature.


What's a man's idea of helping with house work?
lifting his legs so you can vacuum.


What's the difference between man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.


What did God say when he created man?
“I can do better than this”.


How do men define a 50/50 relationship?
They cook, we eat. They clean, we dirty. They iron, we wrinkle


What's the best way to get a man to do sit ups?
put the remont between their toes.


How do men exercise at the beach?
Everytime they see a bikini, they suck their belly in.


What does a man concider a seven corse meal to be?
A hot dog and a 6 pack.


Why are men like noodles?
they are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they are always in need of dough.


Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
because if the crew gets lost, at least the woman will ask for directions.