Spoiler warning: Plot spoilers, such as the fact that Harry kills Dumbledore and marries McGonagall may follow. Read on at your own discretion

Hermione Granger is Harry's other friend. She possesses the “plot device”, a mystical artifact famed for its ability to counter the feared Wryter's Block. As well as being the plot device, she is also a mudblood. Usually mudbloods are not allowed into the wizarding world but Dumbledore made an exception on account of frequent sexual escapades with older men, according to my fanfic her skill at baking Nuclear Muffins.

Professor Dumbledore is the Headmaster of Hogwarts. He took the position after retiring from his previous position, guide of a hobbit guerrilla army obsessed with finger jewelry. Snape kills him in book six, but who doesn't know that by now? Yeesh

Dobby, the son of Sméagol and Jar-Jar Binks, is Harry's stalker. He works baking cookies for Keebler. Constant attacks from the Rice Crispies elves have taken their toll on him.

Book 5 1/2: Harry Potter and The Order of Pheonix & Fries

Harry Potter casts the ‘Gay Fuel’ spell.