Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies
obscured by the occasional miracle.

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The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil (Chi Chi
Rodriguez)

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If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up
the wrong golf ball. (Jack Lemmon)

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Some golfers believe ‘underclubbing’ can be corrected by
'overlooking' or ‘undercounting.’ When using a caddie it
can also be corrected by ‘over tipping.’

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Tee your ball high…air offers less resistance than dirt.
(Jack Nicklaus)

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It's not whether you win or lose…it's whether I win or lose.

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Why is it twice as difficult to hit a ball over water than
sand?

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Only a stupid golfer throws his club behind him. The smart
golfer throws his club ahead so he can pick it up on the
way to the next hole.

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If you have lost more than four balls on any given hole, for
safety reasons, let your partner drive the cart.

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He who has the fastest golf cart never has a bad lie. (Mickey
Mantle)

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It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Murray was beginning
his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when
a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker - “Would the
gentleman on the Ladies tee back up to the men's tee,
please!”

Murray was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious
to the interruption.

Again the announcement - “Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee
kindly back up to the men's tee!”

Murray had enough. He straightens up and shouts, “Would the
announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my
second shot?”


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Bill was having a really bad day on the golf course. Right
around the 14th hole, it seems he had missed one putt too
many. He let loose with a fairly impressive string of
profanities, grabbed his putter, and stormed off toward
the lake by the 15th tee.

“Uh-oh,” said his caddie to one of his playing partners,
“There goes that club.”

“You think so?” said his partner. “I've got five bucks says
he misses the water!”


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A vacationing golfer was out playing on a course that he
had never played before. He hired a caddy from the pro shop
to show him the layout of the course, and help him decide
what shots to play.

On the first tee, the golfer mis-hit his shot, and it dribbled
forward about 15 yards. He was slightly embarrassed, but
determined to play a better second shot. He hit his second
shot into the bordering fairway, and his third shot into a
sand trap. By the time he holed out on this Par 4, he was 6
over par.

The man turned to his caddy and said, “Well, I have never
played this badly before!”

To which the caddy replied, “I didn't realize you had played
before, sir.”