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Air Force One

The story goes that Air Force One was over the UK a few years ago and called up a USAF base.
“Requesting Radar”.
“What is you position?” asked ATC
“You got radar you find us” Air Force One replied.
After a few minutes ATC announced “Air Force One we're changing frequency”
“What frequency are you changing to?” asked Air Force One
“You've got 720 channels - you find us!” ATC replied.


Controller to aircraft that just landed: “Bear right, next intersection”
Pilot: “Roger, we have him in sight”


ATC: “Cessna G-ABCD What are your intentions? ”
Cessna: “To get my Commercial Pilots Licence and Instrument Rating.”
ATC: “I meant in the next five minutes not years.”


(Transmission as a DC-10 rolls out long after a fast landing…)

San Jose Tower: American 751 heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport.


(Heard on the radio - Really )

Cessna: “Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel.”
Tower: “Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!”
Cessna: “Uh…tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is.”


A husband suspects his wife is having an affair with a pilot, but she keeps denying it–until finally the husband just knew when his wife said:
“Honey, I've told you once, I've told you twice, I've told you niner thousand times, negative on the affair …”


First Class

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section. The flight attendant tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, “I'm blonde, I'm smart, and I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.”

The flight attendant gets the head attendant, who asks the woman to leave and she says “I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.”

The flight attendants don't know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the co-pilot.

The co-pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head attendant asks the co-pilot what he said to get her to move. The co-pilot replies, “I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica”.


Og uppáhaldið mitt…USAF

Some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots, and the replies from the
maintenance crews.

Problem: Target Radar hums
Solution: Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics

Problem: “Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.”
Solution: “Almost replaced left inside main tire.”

Problem: “Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.”
Solution: “Autoland not installed on this aircraft.”

Problem: “The autopilot doesn't.”
Signed off: “IT DOES NOW.”

Problem: “Something loose in cockpit.”
Solution: “Something tightened in cockpit.”

Problem: “Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.”
Solution: “Evidence removed.”

Problem: “DME volume unbelievably loud.”
Solution: “Volume set to more believable level.”

Problem: “Dead bugs on windshield.”
Solution: “Live bugs on order.”

Problem: #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
Solution: #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage

Problem: “Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.”
Solution: “Cannot reproduce problem on ground.”

Problem: “IFF inoperative.”
Solution: “IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.”

Problem: “Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.”
Solution: “That's what they're there for.”

Problem: “Number three engine missing.”
Solution: “Engine found on right wing after brief search.”

Problem: Aircraft handles funny
Solution: Aircraft warned to straighten up, “fly right” and be serious.


#3723
Over&Out