Originally posted by N3v3rF0rg3tUSA
Post 1.2 Patch - Chopper Pilot Checklist


Step One - Log on to BF2 Tracker and Admire Stats
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“Let’s see… here I am … MaverickTheGoldenChopperTard, First Sergeant … blah, blah, blah … here we go … Global Points = 47,512 in 73 hours playing time (I’ll have to pick up the pace a bit), Kills 19412, Deaths 0 … good, good, good, everything seems in order … Let’s see, I need about 2500 points for Master Gunnery Sergeant, b1thcin, I should be able to do that in a couple of hours tonight! WHOOOP!!”

Step Two - Download and Install the “Patch”
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“Man this is taking a long a$$ time … Jezuz, 360 MB, this better be F’n good? … Maybe they added the sh1t I posted to the “suggestions for EA forum”? Wow that would be F’n cool!!! Front and rear deflector shields, a cloaking device, photon torpedos, tactical nukes and a hyperspace drive!! WHOOP!! My Cobra is gonna ROCK NOW!!!”

Step Three - Get Some Munchies Rolling
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“MAAAAAA!!!!! WTF? WHERE ARE MY DINOSAR SHAPED CHICKEN NUGGETS!?!?!?! I ASKED FOR THEM AN HOUR AGO? JEZUZ H KRISTE, WHY THE F@#K HAVE I BEEN PAYING ROOM AND BOARD HERE FOR THE PAST 17 YEARS???!”

Step Four - Fire up the Game
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Double click … Logging in to Account Server, Logging in to Account Server, Logging in to Account Server, Logging in to Account Server, scratch exposed bean bag, discover a whole uneaten Dorito, “SCORE!!! pop, crunch, crunch, crunch …

“MAAAAAAAAAA, F’N NUGGETS PLEASE!?!?! JEZUZ!!??” …

Logging in to Account Server, Logging in to Account Server, Logging in to Account Server …

Step Five - Select a Server
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Hmmm … let’s see … “War Experts Zone” … nah … “Serious Gamers Domain”…nah … “Chopper Killers” …NOOOO, SPANK YOU!!! … oh, here we go … “The Noob Nest! Beginners only PLEASE!!” …

double-click

Step Six - Loading Server
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Loading objects, Loading objects, Loading objects, Loading objects, Loading geometries, Loading geometries, Loading geometries, Loading geometries, … scratch exposed bean bag, again “Nothing DAMN!” … Validating account information, Scratch exposed bean bag …

“MAAAAAA!! F$%K!!! ARE YOU EVEN UP THERE???”, …

Validating account information, Validating account information, Validating account information, Validating account information …

Squad Screen

“Ahhh, Here we go baby, time to “GET IT ON”

Step Seven - To the Chopper
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Let’s see there it is, my baby, the COBRA! WHOOP!!! … “

“Hey … WTF? .. Who the F is that dillhole running toward MY chopper? …

Pop Pop Pop

“AHHHHHH!!” …

Console Message: “First Sergeant MaverickTheGoldenChopperTard (Teamkills) Master Sergeant REALPilot. …

TeamSay: Master Sergeant REALPilot says “Dude, what the he|| was that about?” …

TeamSay: First Sergeant MaverickTheGoldenChopperTard says ““DUDE”, stay the F away from the choppers you F’N No flyin skill NOOB!!! Hehe ” …

Console Message: “You have been punished for a Team Kill” …

WTF !????! …

TeamSay: First Sergeant MaverickTheGoldenChopperTard says “WTF DUDE, What’s up with the Punish??? You F’N whiny NOOBS are ruining the game for us GOOD players, I’ll fix you’re a$$ !!!!” …

Console Message: “MaverickTheGoldenChopperTard has initiated a KICK vote against Master Sergeant REALPilot Press PG UP for Yes or PG DN for NO”…

TeamSay: First Sergeant MaverickTheGoldenChopperTard says “Take that NOOB”

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Step Eight - The Crew
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TeamSay: Private First Class GooseTheChopperGunningMoron says “MAV!!! WHAT UP BRO!!!!???” …

TeamSay: First Sergeant MaverickTheGoldenChopperTard says: “Whattup Goose, You know, same old sh1t, Dumb a$$ NOOBS F’N up the game!! One just tried to get in MY CHOPPER, then PUNISHES me for a TK?!?!” …

TeamSay: Private First Class GooseTheChopperGunningMoron says “DUDE, That is F’D UP!!!” …

TeamSay: First Sergeant MaverickTheGoldenChopperTard says: “Yep, but I am fixin that little problem right NOW “ …

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TeamSay: Private First Class GooseTheChopperGunningMoron says “Ooops,!” …

TeamSay: First Sergeant MaverickTheGoldenChopperTard says: “What?“ …

TeamSay: Private First Class GooseTheChopperGunningMoron says “I ahh … sorry … ahh … I pushed … the wrong button on the vote …”

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0 votes

TeamSay: First Sergeant MaverickTheGoldenChopperTard says: “Oh WTF You fat-fingered simpleton? Do you want to be MY partner or not Dumb a$$? Get your sh1t together or I'll take on another partner NOOB Nuts!“

TeamSay: Private First Class GooseTheChopperGunningMoron says ”ROGER THAT MAV!!!“

TeamSay: First Sergeant MaverickTheGoldenChopperTard says “Allright whatever Goose, no probs, we’ll show these NOOBS some REAL TALENT” …

TeamSay: First Sergeant MaverickTheGoldenChopperTard says “LETS LIGHT THE TIRES AND KICK THE FIRES BABY!!!” …

TeamSay: Private First Class GooseTheChopperGunningMoron says “ROGER THAT MAV!!! YEHAWWWWWW!!!!”

Step Nine - Preflight Check
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OK Let’s see … seat reclined all the way … check … HUGE mirrored sun glasses … check … collar up on sleeveless denim jacket … check … Hairsprayed Mullet unmoved … check … Kiss Tom Cruise “Mav-Meister” Bobblehead Doll … Check … Kenny Loggins 8-Track tape … inserted …

Revvin' up your engine …
Listen to her howlin' roar …
Metal under tension …
Beggin' you to touch and go …
Highway to the Danger Zone …
Ride into the Danger Zone …
blah blah, blah PUKE!!!…

TeamSay: First Sergeant MaverickTheGoldenChopperTard says “Cleared for Takeoff GOOSE!!!” …

TeamSay: Private First Class GooseTheChopperGunningMoron says “Hit it MAVVVV!!!”

“Hear are your chicken Nuggets dear” … “YEAH ALRIGHT, THANKS, CAN YOU GET THE F OUT OF MY ROOM NOW PLEASE?? I’M TRYING TO FLY HERE!!! BYE!!!!” …

Step Ten - Lift Off
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Kiss the Mav-Meister TC Bobblehead again once more for luck …

And ………….

“We’re up”

Step Eleven - Engage the “ENEMY?”
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TeamSay: First Sergeant MaverickTheGoldenChopperTard says “OK, let’s start with a little pass by the South Village” …

TeamSay: First Sergeant MaverickTheGoldenChopperTard says “Ohhh, look at all the activity down their Goose, looks like those boys could use a little SKEEEELED support” …

TeamSay: First Sergeant MaverickTheGoldenChopperTard says “Let’s Light the place up GOOSE!!!” ….

TeamSay: Private First Class GooseTheChopperGunningMoron says “ROGER THAT MAV!!! YEHAWWWWWW!!!!”

Pop, Pop, Pop, Bang, Pop, Kaboom, etc, etc, etc (hell unleashed, etc, you get the picture)

Console Message: Private First Class GooseTheChopperGunningMoron (Kills) Corporal GroundPounder …

Console Message: First Sergeant MaverickTheGoldenChopperTard (TeamKills) Gunnery Sergeant Church

Console Message: First Sergeant MaverickTheGoldenChopperTard (Kills) Sergeant DoomBr1nger1

Console Message: First Sergeant MaverickTheGoldenChopperTard (Kills) Sergeant B1llyTheK1d

Console Message: Private First Class GooseTheChopperGunningMoron (Kills) Private TurdBurglar

TeamSay: Master Sergeant REALPilot says “You shot Church you TEAM-KILLING F&%KTARD” (hehe, sorry, had to pay homage to my FAVORITE line from RedVsBlue)

TeamSay: Private First Class GooseTheChopperGunningMoron says “YEEEHAAWWWWWW!!!”

Console Message: Private First Class GooseTheChopperGunningMoron (Kills) Lance Corporal ThermanMermann (another favorite vid, this one from COD2)

Console Message: Private First Class GooseTheChopperGunningMoron (Kills) Private HoraceTheAvenger

Console Message: Private First Class GooseTheChopperGunningMoron (TeamKills) Corporal Flogger

Console Message: First Sergeant MaverickTheGoldenChopperTard (TeamKills) Lance Corporal TwinkleToes

Console Message: First Sergeant MaverickTheGoldenChopperTard (TeamKills) Sergeant TickleMeElmo

Console Message: Private First Class GooseTheChopperGunningMoron (Kills) Private AllMightyZues

Console Message: Private First Class GooseTheChopperGunningMoron (TeamKills) First sergeant TankSurfer2

TeamSay: Sergeant TickleMeElmo says “WTF are you two No talent a$$-clowns doing up there?”

TeamSay: Private First Class GooseTheChopperGunningMoron says “YEEEHAAWWWWWW!!!”

TeamSay: First Sergeant MaverickTheGoldenChopperTard says “Quit your b1tch1n NOOB, we just cleared that area for you, you ungrateful farthole”

TeamSay: Private First Class GooseTheChopperGunningMoron says “YEAH!!! Tell’em MAV!!!!”

TeamSay: First Sergeant MaverickTheGoldenChopperTard says “Hey Goose 12 kills on the first pass BABY!! Not too shabby ehh???!!“

TeamSay: First Sergeant MaverickTheGoldenChopperTard says “You know … I think we should get points for the TK’s too!! I mean, it’s just as F’N hard to hit them as the other NOOBS, I mean seriously, it’s not like they are moving any SLOWER or anything!??! I’m gonna drop another suggestion at EA!!!”

TeamSay: Private First Class GooseTheChopperGunningMoron says “ROGER THAT MAV!!! YEHAWWWWWW!!!!”

Console Message: You have been punished for a Team Kill
Console Message: You have been punished for a Team Kill
Console Message: You have been punished for a Team Kill
Console Message: You have been punished for a Team Kill

TeamSay: First Sergeant MaverickTheGoldenChopperTard says “OH WTF!?!?!?! This server has the biggest collection of whiny a$$ Pu$$ies I have EVER seen, see if I am there for you Whinin’ B1atchs next time!!! … F%@K!!!”

TeamSay: Private First Class GooseTheChopperGunningMoron says “YEAH!!! Tell’em MAV!!!”

TeamSay: First Sergeant MaverickTheGoldenChopperTard says “Goose, I’m gonna swing back around to see if any of those dumb-a$$ NOOBS have started showing back up there yet!”

TeamSay: Private First Class GooseTheChopperGunningMoron says “ROGER THAT MAV!!! YEHAWWWWWW!!!!”

TeamSay: First Sergeant MaverickTheGoldenChopperTard says “Ooh … ooh …OooH!!! … there’s one … right over there … he’s running over there behind that building … heading out toward the beach hill … hold your fire, hold your fire, hold your damn fire a$$-wipe … lets get down there and throw a little scare into the stupid NOOB first!!”

TeamSay: Private First Class GooseTheChopperGunningMoron says “ROGER THAT MAV!!! YEHAWWWWWW!!!!”

Step Twelve - And THEN, Everything changed
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TeamSay: First Sergeant MaverickTheGoldenChopperTard says “LOL, what is that dumb a$$ NOOB doing? … He’s running toward that F'D up looking chair? … I think he thinks he can hide behind it, ROFL… Stupid NOOB” …

TeamSay: First Sergeant MaverickTheGoldenChopperTard says “Hey, he ‘s sitting in it,? That‘s F’D? Didn’t know you could even do that? Hey check it out, it F’N spins too, why the he|| would they have that dumb a$$ thing in the game anyway?? He’s turning toward us in it?? Don’t shoot, don’t shoot, I want to see this dumb a$$es FACE when we light him up!!!

TeamSay: First Sergeant MaverickTheGoldenChopperTard says “Woah, WTF … did that thing just fire something?”

TeamSay: Private First Class GooseTheChopperGunningMoron says “Yeah … and It’s coming towa ….”

KAAAABBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMM !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Step Thirteen – Needing Answers
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WTF?

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?

?

“Oh MAN!!! WTF just happened???”

“WTF, something is messed up, where is my chopper, where the F is Goose???”

“Did Something just happen to my g0d Damn PC???”

“Oh F$#K!!! What’s this, some kind of F’N error message?”

(Press / to Re-spawn)

”It is the PC!?!? .. F#@K!!"

“MAAAAAAAA!! WTF??? YOU THINK FOR $25/WEEK YOU COULD KEEP DAD’S PC RUNNING FOR 10 F’N MINUTES??? “

(Press / to Re-spawn)

“WHAT’S THAT MAAA?? “

“AWWW JEZUZ H KRISTE MAAAA … DON’T START THAT SH1T WITH ME AGAIN … YOU KNOW I’VE BEEN WAITING TO HEAR BACK ON THAT THIRD SHIFT ASSISTANT MANAGER POSITION AT THE TACO SLINGER… KRISTE … QUIT BUSTING MY BALLZ!!!” …..

Slams Door

(Press / to Re-spawn)

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“Re-spawn?”

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“WTF is a “Re-spawn”?”

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?

?

Opens door again

“MAAAA!!! WHERE IS MY PRIMA GUIDE??? … NO, PRIMA GUIDE …PRIMA F’N GUIDE JEZUZ … PRIMA!!! … P…R…I… NEVER MIND … F$#K I LIVE IN INSANE ASYLUM …MY PC IS F’D UP AND YOU’RE A$$ IS DEAF AS THREE DOOR JAMBS!!!”

Searching, searching, searching

“AHHH, Here it is, next to the sh1tter, should have thought of that … let’s see … spawn …spawn … spawn … Page 37” …

Flip, flip, flip

Pg 27 … Pg 31 … AWWW WTF now?? The pages are stuck together?? You have got to be sh1tting me”

Rip

“OH SH1T, I just tore that picture of my pretty little COBRA up!!! … DAMMIT, now I gotta get another F’N copy, JEZUZ can this day get ANY MORE F’D UP???” …

Flip, flip, flip

“Oh here it is … “Spawn Screen: … after dying, your character will need to wait 15 seconds before he can re-spawn back into the game. You simply select the …””

???

“Dying? “WTF does it mean “after dying”?”

???

” I can’t die?”

“I’M A F’N CHOPPER PILOT G0D D4MMIT!!

“WTF happened? WHAT THE F%&K IS GOING ON IN THIS F’N WORLD??? “

“No, WAIT A MINUTE” …

“That “F’N Chair” …

“I think that F’N stupid chair shot me down? I think the AA actually F’N works now??? Those Mother F’ers fixed the AA??” …

“But that means … ??? … MY chopper … MY bobblehead .. MY G0d Damn Kenny Loggins 8-track … and … MY … … MY …. NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! …. GOOOOOOSEEEE !!!!!!!”

Blubber, sob, wail

“That F’N Patch. Mother F’ER … I can F’N DIE NOW? WHAT DUMB A$$ MOTHER F’N NOOB THOUGHT THAT STUPID A$$ IDEA UP?”

“Some F’N sh1t bum no-talent NOOB just shot ME down!!!??? ME!!!! And I F’N DIED???? ME!!!???”

“Somebody’s gonna pay for this!!!”

“I’ll make SOME…F’N…BODY PAY FOR THIS!!!”

“I’LL FIX ALL THEIR NO SKILL TOTING GROUND POUNDING CANT FLY WORTH A SH1T TIRED DYING A$$ES RIGHT F’N NOW!!!”

“I”LL POST A MESSAGE”

THE RESPONSE
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Exit the game

Log in to bf2 Tracker

Jump into the forum

Post articulately crafted concerns …

MaverickTheGoldenChopperTard wrote:
“B1TCH A$$, WHINING NOOBS F’D UP MY GAME! FU DICE!! FU EA!!! FU WHINING LITTLE NOOBS!! FU ANTI-AIRCRAFT GUNS!!! YOU ALL BITCHED CUZ YOU SUCK AND DIE MORE THAN YOU KILL!!! THAT’S IT!! I’M LEAVING THIS F’N STUPID GAME NOW!!! I’L TAKE MY “BUSINESS” ELSEWHERE EA YOU F’N BUNCH OF DIRTY DOG D1CKS!!!! LET’S SEE IF I EVER PIRATE ANOTHER COPY OF YOUR SH1TTY A$$ UNBALANCED SOFTWARE AGAIN YOU RAT F#@CKERS!!! AND GOODBYE FOREVER TO YOU TOO YOU FROG D1CK CHEWIN NOOBIES!!!!”

BF2 community response:

LOL … BYE!!!!